Streams in 2009

Remember that recent post I finished with..."When I put it like that, how could I ask Him to stop"? I have to admit, I was really hoping to see a shift in circumstances when I wrote that. I had been secretly planning to hand over my copy of Streams in the Desert to someone else in need. Well, guess what I read today...because I had to??? Yeah! And it will prove to be as tangible in '09 as it was in '08.

Mrs. Cowan opens with Deuteronomy 11:11 and 12. I love these of words of scripture; "the land...you are to take possession of...drinks rain from heaven." I love it because that is what I am learning to do. I can't get what I need in my own strength. God is teaching me the beauty and necessity of solitude wherein I can receive my supply from heaven.

I'll share the beginning with you here. "Today we stand at the threshhold of the unknown. Before us lies a new year and we are going forward to take possession of it. Who knows what we will find? Or what new experiences or changes will come our way? What new needs will arise? Inspite of the uncertainty before us, we have a cheerful and comforting message from our Heavenly Father..."The Lord your God cares for it, the eyes of the Lord ...are continually on it from the beginning of the year to its end." No wonder I have been happy with anticipation today. God knows what my year holds. His eyes are already seeing what I am waiting to get a glimpse of.

Tonight I was reading the blog of someone I have been praying for. She posted the complete entry from Streams in the Desert today. It is here if you would like to read it. Thought it was cool to see someone else being strengthened by this today.

The Treasures of Darkness

What circumstance in your life right now would you trade if given the chance? I read something in Streams in the Desert this week that caused me to reflect on recent hardship with gratitude. It was about lace spinners in Brussels working in the dark, alone in tiny rooms with only a narrow window to cast light directly on the pattern they are weaving. The beauty and value of the art comes from the darkness in which it was created.

"Sometimes the darkness in our lives is worse, because we cannot even see the web we are weaving or understand what we are doing. Therefore we are unable to see any beauty or any possible good arising from our experience. Yet if we are faithful to forge ahead and we do not give up, someday we will know that the most exquisite work of our lives was done during those days when it was the darkest." Cowman

This month marks one year Danny and I have been on a tough financial journey. We are still on that train, so I can't wax eloquent about how we did it. We are doing it. I can't believe I am saying this, but I wouldn't trade this past year. Oh, there have been dark days. But we are not totally in the dark. God has allowed us glimpses into how He desires to shape us into people He can use. What God is teaching us about Himself, ourselves, money, faith, holding on, I don't think could have been learned any other way. This has been a year of rapid growth. It's like what Job said, "My ears had heard of you, but now my eyes have seen you." We may have another year of it. I hope not. But in light of how we have learned to lean, wait and abide; how our kids now view God's faithfulness, the miracles they have observed weekly; I can't really do anything but continue to trust God's purpose in all this.

There are days I beg God for relief. He either brings it physically or he carries my spirit above it. But he has not forsaken me. So I don't think trading the path we have walked this year for one with less thorns and potholes would be a fair trade. We are in the middle of something BIG.

Isaiah 45:3
I will give you the treasures of darkness,
riches stored in secret places,
so that you may know that I am the Lord,
the God of Israel, who summons you by name.

I cannot count how many times this year I have read a passage like this and God has illuminated it right before my eyes. All around me may seem dark, but a tiny crack of trust lets in just enough insight to see with spiritual eyes. Why does God do that?? Why does He go to such lengths to make sure I get it? Because He loves me and he doesn't want me to miss what he is doing in my life. He has something wonderful for us that we have not yet been allowed to see. Why does he hide it away, while we go about our work in the dark? So that when He reveals the blessings along the path, we will will know HE IS THE LORD! This is all about him. It is not about us. It may feel like it is all about us when we are crying and fretting over earthly matters. But every time we calm down enough to dig into His Word we are reminded that we are here for His glory. And if there is one thing my family is learning this year, it is how to sit back and let God make Himself known in us. Wow! When I put it like that, how could I ask Him to stop?

Everyday Life

My heart has felt as dry and crunchy as the leaves in my October backyard. Busyness is my enemy. When creativity and a sense of calm are beyond my reach, I can usually lift up the blanket of a busy schedule and see them cowering beneath. I recognize their expression because it is my own. "Let me out," they chant, "I have something to say."

I just read a book on writing. Although I find the author intriguing and her advice on writing insightful, it seems to have incapacitated me. I read this stuff and immediately bucked up with, "I can't do that. I don't write that way. I will fail." But something in Streams in the Desert stirred my heart and pointed me to Exodus 3:1-2..."The vision of the Angel of the Lord came to Moses while he was involved in his everyday work. That is exactly where the Lord delights in giving His revelations."

This intrigues me because Moses' job at the time was keeping up with smelly sheep for his father-in-law. What career could be less appealing? Yet the Creator of this universe found Moses out there among the herds and revealed His plan for Moses' life.

I read this on a day I am feeling completely unorganized and utterly behind. There are moments I soar...moments when I grasp the investment of homeschooling, kitchen duties, eye to eye contact with little people. On those days I sense that my life is not the sum total of my chores, but the fine print. When I put on my glasses to better see that fine print, I am reminded of the vision God gave us for our family 12 years ago when I was pregnant with our first child. I am reminded that God has allowed Danny and I to structure our lives around that vision and I am grateful. This also inspires me to put myself in a position of listening.

The promises and revelations God gives become vital to staying on course. I need those periodic refreshers. If you have chosen the career of stay-at-home mom or homeschooler, you know what I mean. On the outside we don't come off as spectacular. Most of our days look the same. So what we are feeding our soul daily becomes the very fuel with which we carry out our calling. When God reveals something to me, the purpose of that vision is very often to equip me for the service I am called to. Service! That is what it boils down to. And that is why some days are more difficult than others. Serving is an invisible supporting role. I don't know about you, but that is not easy for me. I want to do things now, see results now. Action! I like action. It makes me feel useful and worthy.

God has to remind me that my worth is not in what I do, but in who He is. And when that sinks in, I can live with my lack of productivity on a given day. What God calls productive on those days is how I have shown my kids we deal with schedule changes or unforeseen interruptions. Do I huff and puff and rush them along? Or do I have a servant's heart?

The world will keep going, busyness will grab me again, and I will have to be reminded of all this. That is okay. God doesn't seem to mind filling me with new inspiration on the days I need it. I am grateful He shows up in everyday life.

Appointed Time

Looking back at my blog posts I see that 4 months ago I said, "Tomorrow I will post about God's appointed time." Well, here it is!

About a month into this "adventure of dependence," my mom called one morning to ask how I was holding up. I told her I wasn't. She immediately pulled out her Bible and read this to me Habakkuk 2:2-3. "Then the Lord replied, write down the revelation and make it plain on tablets so that a herald may run with it. For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay."

She said, "God has an appointed time and no amount of crying, begging or pleading can speed that up." God is up to something and my job is to wait for the revelation.

One of the things my mom talked to me about is letting go of my expectations and putting my trust in God. She shared two important elements:
1. God is sovereign over timing and everything in my life.
2. I honor God by accepting my own limitations in regard to timing.

That day I began to pray differently. It started with acknowledging that I am not the one in control. Instead of asking God to bring the solution right away, I started asking God to sustain us while we wait. God has shown up! As I have posted previously, work is coming in for Danny, gifts are miraculously appearing, God is giving to us through others.

I typed the above words 6 months ago. I never dreamed I'd still be walking this rocky road. But God has seen fit to prolong this time in our lives. The road has gotten dusty and very dry at times. Some days I am so thirsty and I can't see God anywhere in this. But just as my hope is faltering, he reveals himself in some odd or unique way like with money in my carton of eggs! The scripture closes with "...it will certainly come, it will not delay." This sure feels like a delay; a long one. But God has already determined the outcome.

What first grabbed my mom's attention about this passage is what she read in NAS "Record the vision...that the one who reads it may run." She said, "Keep writing promises on the wall so Danny can be reminded of his vision and be encouraged to keep going."

One more thing...Check out the notes in that were in her Bible regarding this text.
"A fixed period must elapse before the prophecy will be fulfilled, but this should not be regarded as failure or deception. Rather this time can be endured with the Lord's guarantee of approaching fulfillment."

That footnote is still sustaining us. There have been days were we felt deceived, tricked. But as time passes and God reassures us that fulfillment is coming. So we endure.

I Am a Prisoner

Return to your fortress, O prisoner of hope;
even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you.
Zechariah 9:12

Today I am discouraged. I feel overcome and wiped out. I was so looking forward to some good news. But I was met with nothing negative or particularly positive. When I received that message, I thought I would cave in shoulders first. But I jumped in my car and drove to Pottery Barn Outlet and shopped til I felt better. HA! Who are we kidding? This is not tv. This is an internet diary. I took my $25 cash and drove to the local K-Roger.

I quoted this scripture with such fervor that I drove up there actually believing it. I was on the phone with Kirsten when I walked up to the automatic double doors. I decided to stand just out of reach of the sensor long enough for her to impart a little H2O to my parched soul. I mean, who wants to be the woman walking into the grocery store crying, clenching a list of essentials and a small amount of cash?? I am sure I would not be the first!

But here is the beauty of the encouragement of a friend. Her words turned me back to this scripture. The word I had been quoting, His Word, dug beneath my discouragement. At first it felt like a spade, breaking me and loosening all that felt tight around the roots. But after a moment of agitation, I felt a warm hand holding my pulsating heart. My heartbeat slowed. I remembered God's promise to me today, and yesterday, and the days and days before.

I could hear that God was saying, "This is for you. Run back to me, I am your fortress. You are a prisoner of hope and that is a good thing." I could be a prisoner of many things. But I am a prisoner of hope. And I am glad.

The Good, the Bad and the Beautiful

I tend to post mostly about the good stuff. And why not? It's no fun dwelling on the bad long enough to write it. And who wants to read it? Unless...the bad isn't really bad.

For the last 9 months God has been taking my husband and me on a journey that has pushed us and tested us in ways we have never experienced. By default our kids are included in this journey. What they are learning is something our words could never teach them. What we are learning is that God can be trusted. When we are without gas money for the next day and our 11 year old finds $100 on the porch step with a note, "To the Stephenses from Jesus." his eyes have just seen what his ears have only heard. You can't really call that bad.

In our desperation and dependence, we are driven to pray together and trust and abide. That is not a bad thing. We are finding that God in that place of desperation waiting to meet us. Often times we are forced to lean into things we cannot get out of. During this leaning, we learn something new about ourselves and God's faithfulness. As Andy Stanley says, "When our faith intersects with God's faithfulness..."

So even though some days feel really bad, they are working something beautiful that remains unknown to me. Isaiah 28:28 "Bread flour must be ground; therefore he does not thresh it forever,"

The Waiting is the Hardest Part

Now, I love me some Tom Petty. But he ain't got nothing on Lettie Cowman. Yes, I am going to reference Streams in the Desert again. As a matter of fact, I am going to give it a label because it is in my blood. You've got to get this book. You will need it sooner or later!

"Have you ever heard of anyone being greatly used by Christ who did not experience a special time of waiting, or a complete upset of his plans at first?"

I guess it is time pick up where I left off with my first post about our Stretching. Though we are uncertain how God will fund what he has called us to, we are not uncertain about the call. Danny keeps developing the business and God keeps showing up. We are living just a little of what we read about in February in the biographies of Rees Howells, Hudson Taylor, Brother Andrew, etc. And I don't mean the being great and godly part; I mean the suffering part! But the way it happens is so crazy that we know God is directing it. God keeps saying wait, trust, abide. As we obey, he is providing. Yesterday someone gave us a dishwasher...ours broke weeks ago. The day before that, we were surprised with $600! Danny gets extra work from unexpected places. It really is inspiring. It seems whenever we are on our knees asking God to open the flood gates, he gives us a little trickle so show he hears us but that it is not time yet. More on his Appointed Time tomorrow.

It all started...

with a trip to Australia. Last June, Danny went to the Hillsong conference in Sydney. He came back a different man. God had laid claim to him and he wanted to pursue a vision of worship and community that had been awakened in him on this trip. God could have told Danny to quit his job right here at home. But that is not what this was about. This was about what I mentioned in my last post: "the mysterious chamber, the secret wall, God closing us off to something divine, new and unexpected, not to be understood by examining our previous circumstances." In January, God provided the opportunity for Danny to pursue this vision through ONE Atlanta Music. About six weeks into it, God shook the tree and all of a sudden we were clinging to the branches! God told Danny to turn down some investment money. That left us in a place of uncertainty financially. Thus started a journey of trust and faith that is teaching us alot about God's faithfulness. It may take me weeks to post it all. But it is so worth sharing. Our kids are learning along with us what Job said, "My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you."