I Was Made for This

When I was 10 years old I did a book report on child abuse. I can still see the cover of the Dale Evans Rogers book I found in my parents’ basement. Reading that book drew me into a reality of which I had no prior knowledge. I was disturbed by what I learned on those pages. But I can pinpoint that moment as the first time I felt love for the forgotten. As I grew older and discovered Isaiah 61:1, I knew God wanted me to be a voice for someone who had none. I remember hearing Bob Pierce’s quote, “Let my heart be broken by the things that break the heart of God,” and thinking, “YES! That is what it’s all about!”

I wish I’d had the wisdom at a young age to lay my life before God and allow him to mold that passion. But being the control freak that I am, I conjured up ideas of how I would serve God. I dreamed that I would rescue runaways off city streets. I read everything I could find on Covenant House and even went to tour their facility in NYC after college. I can still remember stepping out of the taxi alone on the street corner and feeling like I was on holy ground. I never rescued the first runaway. But my (by that time) 15 year old passion led me to volunteer at Safehouse . I met a woman in Cabbage Town and helped her with inner city kids for a couple of years. I was involved there until I started having children. Then I felt my mission field changing.

Over the years, my passion for the forgotten of this world has grown. But it looks different as the seasons of my life change. When I did finally lay my life before God and take my hands off, he revealed just how he wanted me to serve him. That revelation came as I was being rolled out of a recovery room…holding the most perfect eight pounds of human flesh I’d ever seen. I will never forget the words that flooded my heart the first time I touched Noah. “I was made for this.” I felt the weight of those words all the way down to my toes. Yes, even with the epidural!! When his little cheek touched mine, nothing else in the world mattered. As they rolled me down the hall, I said to Danny, “I want 4 of these!”

It took me four years to have another baby. I remember feeling so angry with God. “Why did you give me this passion then refuse me more children?” I’d ask. Little did I know he was peeling back a layer of my heart to allow me to feel love through adoption. And God, in his wisdom and sense of humor, gave us another birth child as we were adopting. After completing all the paperwork to adopt from China, we became pregnant. Now we have daughters who are three days apart in age. Then another four years later, we were blessed with another birth, another boy. So I have my four. Why didn’t I say I wanted six kids that day??? God did come through. He gave me exactly what I asked for, just not the way I expected. And you know what? It’s better this way. They are all perfect. In retrospect, the timing was perfect. I wouldn’t trade the infertility issues for anything because they shaped the family we have.

A big part of my heart is in China. Other than my home, that is where I serve these days. Since I am a homeschool mom, that service has been only once a year. But God is teaching me to serve through intercession. I have a lot to learn. This requires focus and humility and anonymity. But so does being a stay-at-home mom! I really don’t think there exists a more trying job in the whole world. But when I am honest with myself, I would not trade it for any other job I could choose. Sometimes I think of other things I would like to do. And I always land on the realization that those things can be done later. God will open doors for me to serve in different areas as my kids get older. He has opened the Safehouse door for Danny and One Atlanta. When I read blogs like Drew’s and Alicia’s, I think, “I want to be involved in that too.” But I hear God saying, “In time. You are right where I want you for today.” I am a dabbler. So that is hard to hear. I want to stretch myself thin. I want too much on my plate. But every time I do it, I crash. I hear God saying, “Please let me direct this scene. Please trust me and focus on the task in front of you.” God hasn't placed so many passions on my heart for nothing. And I trust he will open doors for me to serve when the time is right.


So when I think back to the day I read that book as a 10 year old and God stirred compassion in my soul, I see that his plan was for me to raise children to know who he is and what he is all about; to instill compassion in young hearts. And if you think about it, isn’t that what everybody needs to make sense of this life and be effective in this world?

The Value of the Vision

I've been thinking about the value vision has on my everyday life. How does it affect what I do sun-up to sun-down? Like I said yesterday, some days I see it very clearly. But other days I ask, Have I veered from the center and shifted my focus to temporal things? I often don't realize how far off track I have gotten until I am skidding on gravel. My eyes get big, my hands sweat as I grip the wheel tightly to gain control.

So how do I stay focused on an eternal perspective? Probably the first thing is to quit trying to grab the wheel! God has never failed to guide me back to his path when I've asked. That is where the Presence comes in. His Presence is my center. When I am there, I receive direction, encouragement, peace. But I live in a culture that changes the signs, reminds me what I am not, laughs at my pursuit of peace. So it is vital that I seek his Presence like I seek for my kids when they have gotten out of sight at a state park. I am frantic. I don't breathe til I know they are close.

When I am in that place, the vision is crystal clear. I am reminded how and whom I am to serve. The world around me is never going to tell me that. L.B. Cowman says the value of the vision is that it equips me for service and endurance. And that is exactly what I talked about yesterday.

Everyday Life

My heart has felt as dry and crunchy as the leaves in my October backyard. Busyness is my enemy. When creativity and a sense of calm are beyond my reach, I can usually lift up the blanket of a busy schedule and see them cowering beneath. I recognize their expression because it is my own. "Let me out," they chant, "I have something to say."

I just read a book on writing. Although I find the author intriguing and her advice on writing insightful, it seems to have incapacitated me. I read this stuff and immediately bucked up with, "I can't do that. I don't write that way. I will fail." But something in Streams in the Desert stirred my heart and pointed me to Exodus 3:1-2..."The vision of the Angel of the Lord came to Moses while he was involved in his everyday work. That is exactly where the Lord delights in giving His revelations."

This intrigues me because Moses' job at the time was keeping up with smelly sheep for his father-in-law. What career could be less appealing? Yet the Creator of this universe found Moses out there among the herds and revealed His plan for Moses' life.

I read this on a day I am feeling completely unorganized and utterly behind. There are moments I soar...moments when I grasp the investment of homeschooling, kitchen duties, eye to eye contact with little people. On those days I sense that my life is not the sum total of my chores, but the fine print. When I put on my glasses to better see that fine print, I am reminded of the vision God gave us for our family 12 years ago when I was pregnant with our first child. I am reminded that God has allowed Danny and I to structure our lives around that vision and I am grateful. This also inspires me to put myself in a position of listening.

The promises and revelations God gives become vital to staying on course. I need those periodic refreshers. If you have chosen the career of stay-at-home mom or homeschooler, you know what I mean. On the outside we don't come off as spectacular. Most of our days look the same. So what we are feeding our soul daily becomes the very fuel with which we carry out our calling. When God reveals something to me, the purpose of that vision is very often to equip me for the service I am called to. Service! That is what it boils down to. And that is why some days are more difficult than others. Serving is an invisible supporting role. I don't know about you, but that is not easy for me. I want to do things now, see results now. Action! I like action. It makes me feel useful and worthy.

God has to remind me that my worth is not in what I do, but in who He is. And when that sinks in, I can live with my lack of productivity on a given day. What God calls productive on those days is how I have shown my kids we deal with schedule changes or unforeseen interruptions. Do I huff and puff and rush them along? Or do I have a servant's heart?

The world will keep going, busyness will grab me again, and I will have to be reminded of all this. That is okay. God doesn't seem to mind filling me with new inspiration on the days I need it. I am grateful He shows up in everyday life.

Love Hurts

Well, here it is. I love it. My family loves it. David is going to love it. But I have to say it hurt worse than anything I have ever felt! It still hurts. But it should be better in a day or two.

Quick, Get Up!

Many years ago I asked God to give me a vision of my brother's spirit. I wanted to pray more effectively for him and I felt I needed to see what I could not SEE. As sure as I asked, God showed me something. What I saw was David bound to a wall with chains. The atmosphere was dark and he sat in filth. As I write this, I am recalling that his head was hung in shame.

It was two decades ago that David pledged his allegiance to his own destruction. He couldn't have known that first time that he would be sitting in prison one day unaware of his own worth. Year after year it seems nothing is changing. He repeats the same actions, returns to same filth and sadly he sinks deeper into the shame. In his eyes, these things define him. But I know they don't. As the years fade away, so do the people who believe in him. I can't blame them. This is exhausting! There are days and weeks that go by when I don't even think about him. But there is a small handful out there who remember him, who call his name before the Lord, who refuse to give up on David. I hear my kids praying for him. Their hope is not extinguished. Their love is not failing. He has one childhood friend who still prays fervently for him. And my in-laws pray for him every day. There are people who stand in the gap on the days my parents and I can't find hope.

This morning I read Acts 12:7: Suddenly an angel of the Lord appeared and a light shone in the cell. He struck Peter on the side and woke him up. "Quick, get up!" he said, and the chains fell off Peter's wrists.

I wasn't thinking of David when I began reading but I was struck with this thought. "David, Get up! Just get up and the chains will fall off!" I pray God will shine his light in David's cell. That freedom will come in the form David can grasp, that God's angel would poke his side and he would wake up to see who he is in Christ. Isn't that what he does for all of us?

Tonight I am standing with my brother in a tangible way. I am getting a tattoo of his artwork on the back on my neck. I have one piece of original art that he made for me. It is a pink cherry blossom. That will be the art for the tattoo. David is an amazing artist and tattoo artist. So this is a fitting way for me to remember him and tell others about him. If you read this, please call out Acts 12:7 to the Father with me. David, wake up!

State of Being

The girls and I have been studying verbs in First Language Lessons. Most recently we have been learning the state of being verbs. As I explained to them, these are words that simply show that something exists. No action, these words just show that you are! Some days we need to simply exist.

Yesterday was a wonderful Sunday of no action. It was the day following Ink for Africa. I stayed in my pajamas all day! Poor Danny had to be at work at 6:30am. But the rest of us slept til 10am and ate cinnamon rolls on the back porch. The sun cast that perfect autumn goldness that keeps you warm but not hot. So we stayed outside most of the day til 9pm.

Kids need time to just be. That is when they create and imagine, when they think and talk. And if we want to hear what is on their hearts, we have to protect their time and pencil 'nothing' into the schedule. Noah and I talked for two hours after breakfast. We talked about life and people and differences and God's grace. Periodically, I would say, "Are we dragging this out too long?" His response was, "No, this is helpful." I love listening to his heart and understanding his take on his experiences.

I invited the girls to come out separately and asked what they wanted to talk about. Dove talked about differences she notices in friends. That led to talking about your inner circle, the people we allow to influence our lives and the outer circle of people we occasionally spend time with. She is not too young to practice making wise decisions! Then she wanted to talk about how babies get from the inside to the outside! I think this stemmed from us talking about how women are better at handling physical pain.

When it was PJ's turn to talk, she wanted to talk about beads and crafts and art. She showed me her very organized collection and the seasonal necklaces she is making. When I tried to talk about life, she steered me right back to which kinds of beads represent spring and how she sees bird eggs in the tiny dots of her favorite button. PJ has an uncanny knack for color and creativity. She sees life as art. That is a gift!

Of course Jett, wanted his turn. But all he wanted was a back scratch and a popsicle! As the baby of the family, he gets the lion's share of my attention so often. It was really nice that he played quietly and I had uninterrupted time with my other kids. The rest of the day they played outside, I sat on the deck and read and wrote yesterday's monster post. I am thankful for our state of being day!

Silent Weekend

My spirit settles as I back out of the driveway. I have tied up loose ends, filled the pantry with food for the husband and kids, and settled in the car after a very noisy afternoon. I have way more books and warm socks than I will ever use in one weekend. But my son is a boy scout and I have learned to be prepared! I am driving to Ignatius House where I will dwell in silence from Friday evening til noon on Sunday. I anticipate the possibility that God might want to tell me something while he has my undivided attention. I am in for a gift as that possibility is about to become a much needed reality.

Every September I set aside a weekend to take a silent retreat. These times away are the highlight of my spiritual journey. I am amazed at all God wants to pour over me if I will listen. I am sharing this experience in hopes that you will be compelled to find a silent place to listen. If you do this once, I bet you will be hooked.

As I am approaching the serene 28 acres of woods and trails along the Chattahoochee, my friend K.N. calls with a prophetic word. I am going to tell you what that was because it blows me away to see how God can work through a good friend and a listening heart. K.N. said she had been thinking of Danny and me all day and would be texting some scriptures to me. Then she said, "I am supposed to tell you that there is a pattern in your life that you need to stop. You need to figure out where are you getting off track. I believe God wants to free you from something."

Have you ever met someone who just seems to have a hotline from God? These are the friends you want to listen to; the ones you hope have a word for you now and again. My first thought was, "I know it was an act of obedience for her to even say these things to me. So I am going to find out why God told her that." So the first evening of my retreat was ushered in with a quiet whisper as I stepped out of my car: "God! From what do you want to free me?" But there had been a quickening in my spirit the moment K.N. had spoken those words. And I had a glimmer of what was coming.

Before she even texted me the verses she was praying for us, I read the previous day's Streams in the Desert selection from Charles Spurgeon. That glimmer got a little brighter as I read...
"Dear believer, can you find any reason why you are so often mourning instead of rejoicing? Why do you allow your mind to dwell on gloomy thoughts? Who told you that night will never turn in day?...Have hope...Hope forever, for God will not fail you." As I read this, God said to me, "It's time to stop being ruled by your emotions. You say you trust me, and I have told you I am working this desert experience for your good. So stop letting financial circumstances dictate how you will feel day by day." Wow! There was my pattern. The next day I would receive K.N.'s text with Isaiah 30:15 for me. "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength. But you would have none of it." What a confirmation that God was trying to show me that legitimate trust frees me from being ruled by my feelings.

The current day's Streams in the Desert was based on 2 Corinthians 5:7. It further confirmed what God was trying to tell me: God never wants us to live by our feelings he wants us to face the facts of who he is. What really stood out in this passage was a line that read: "...He wants us to trust him apart from our feelings resting solely on His Word and His faithfulness to his promise." God could not have been more clear. This is a time of testing. Our circumstances have been orchestrated by Him for us. God is trying to teach me something that I cannot fully grasp if I am going to continue to be tossed up and down emotionally. That burns alot of energy and gives me headaches. It also distracts me from those two things up there in bold letters. I find it very interesting that he has worked up to this. God did not demand we enter this desert place with a stiff upper lip. He has met our needs, been silent at times, and allowed us to feel what we had to feel. But it is as if He is saying, "OK we've got some work to do and it's time to climb the next rung."

The next morning, I saw the scriptures that K.N. had texted. They built on everything God and I had discussed Friday night. Over the course of the weekend God wove those scriptures together with others He had previously led me to. Themes began to surface and God gently reminded me that he is working something far greater in our lives than we currently see. For instance, God had been impressing upon Danny the importance of praise in the dry places. Both of the passages she was praying for Danny (Isaiah 41:18-20 and 43:18-21) were about praise and God sustaining his people in/and transforming the desert places.

There was the theme of hope that God had reminded me of in Zechariah 9:12. Which led to Zephaniah 3:17-20 and the theme of an appointed time that God has been weaving into us for 9 months. One theme I am especially fond of is the announcing. I felt God's kindness in these verses, as if he were saying, "I know you are weary so I am going to announce to you, I'm going to tell you now that I am at work, this is not random." My friend gave us Isaiah 42:5-9, which has sustained us for years. When I opened to this page I saw the notes written around these verses from 1998, 1999, 2000, 2002, 2004 and now 2008. God speaks to me again here with "...This is what the Lord says...I will...I will...I will...." Ending with before it happens, I announce it to you.

I will share just one more theme. As Danny and I have sought God's direction together, we are certain that He will be glorified. It has never been about us, even on the days with lots of drama. In Isaiah 41:20, the word says "so that people may see and know, may consider and understand, that the hand of the Lord has done this..." And in Zephaniah 3:17 we are reminded that the sorrows of the appointed time he will remove, he will rescue, he will gather, he will give, etc. The restoration will be an obvious work of the Lord.

Ten years ago when we were struggling with infertility God led us to the above mentioned passage in Isaiah 42. What I wrote in the margin next to "I am the Lord; that is my name! I will not give my glory to another or my praise to idols." was that no doctor could take the credit for the baby God would give us. Little did I know He had a baby in China for us. But here we are a decade later with four kids! And I would say that is an obvious work of the Lord!

We trusted Him then. We can trust him now!